"Temporality is part of the truth" -- Chuck Klosterman

Monday, January 9, 2012

Zombie Crime and Punishment Rabbits

I finally finished Crime and Punishment. I've been teaching it since before the Winter Break in December. Don't tell my students.

I actually read it just for fun back when I was in college. Well, for fun and to meet chicks. I carried it around with me and hoped girls would ask me what I was reading. Okay, I wasn't that desperate, but it worked that way at least once.

I was on the window ledge of one of the girls' dorms working as a window washer. (I'm not making this up. It was actually pretty good, easy work, until the weather got cold and the outdoor window washers became indoor bathroom cleaners.) Anyhoo, a girl in one room started flirting with me through her window, and when she saw that I was reading Crime and Punishment, she became so captivated by my mystique that she began stalking me. That's a slight exaggeration, but she did find out where I lived, met my roommate, and they got married shortly thereafter.

I try to explain the power of carrying around good literature to my students, but they just scoff.

As a segue to the other thing I have to share today, I offer the following mash-up for the taking. In the tradition of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, howza 'bout Zombie Crime and Punishment Rabbits?

See, Raskolnikov isn't out to prove he's entitled to flaunt society's law and kill an old harpy pawn broker because he's really an "extraordinary man." Instead, he is well on his way to making his living in the legal profession so he can care for his beloved mother and sister while saving hookers with hearts of gold, when he's brutally bitten by the dreadful Zombie Rabbit, causing an apathetic fever, sluggish strolls through St. Petersburg in Summer, and a desire to axe women in the head to get at their brains. Plus, fiery red eyeballs.

This million-dollar idea comes to you courtesy of Dave at Dave Wrote This, who has offered the coveted Zombie Rabbit Award to yours truly. I'm not sure of the point, exactly, but I accept the honor by passing it along to a couple of other blogs.

Check out Charlie's brain at Notice Your World, who has published his own guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

Or read one of TJ Reed's cool-as-brains zombie stories at They Won't Get Us.

And even though she doesn't normally write zombie poetry, try one of Lolamouse's tasty brains of a poem at Mouse Droppings. You'll be back for more.


  1. Hey, cool. I've always wanted a pet rabbit, but I heard that they live for YEARS, so an already dead one is perfect!

    I will admit that I haven't read Crime and Punishment, but I do notice the books that people carry around with them. That's why e-readers are so frustrating! You can't see what people are reading!

    Thanks again for the zombie love. I'll get on posting the award and passing it forward.

  2. I never had any girl stalk me because of a book I was reading, and now suddenly I wish I had. Maybe I didn't making my reading habits public enough when I was younger. Maybe I didn't read in the right places. Maybe I didn't have the proper intellectual expression on my face.

    We'll never know :(

  3. Cool!! My first blog award! Thank you. I don't even have a speech prepared, dang it. But I will hang it on my blog wall with pride. Thank you.

  4. That was one of the perks of being a geek. The girls always wanted to know what I was reading. That strategy worked out very well quite a few times.....

  5. I have to confess that Crime and Punishment is one of the classics I haven't quite made it through yet. But it's on my list, if that counts for anything.

    Love the zombie rabbit idea. And so everyone can rest easy, I've solved both the zombie apocalypse problem and the alien invasion problem. See my blog to read how I singlehandedly save civilization.

  6. Wait, you can use Russian literature to hook up with girls? Now you tell me.

  7. @ Lola: If I'd had a Kindle in college I don't think I would have met anyone. Take care of your new pet. It might bite.

    @ Bryan: Don't feel too left out. This girl turned out to be a little crazy. My friend divorced her within a couple of years.

    @ TJ: I immediately thought of you upon receiving it myself. I hope more people go read your stories. They're great.

    @ darev: Andy and Dwight tried this on The Office last year. They went to a bookstore to ask women what they were reading. But it didn't work for them. They ended up skating by themselves at the roller rink across the street.

    @ Julie: The first part is difficult to get through, I must say. Aside from a gruesome murder, it's a lot of sleeping and walking and feverish dementia. But once Raskolnikov gets over his fever, it's a much easier read.

    I'll have to go check out the zombie-alien solution. Thanks for working that out for us all, by the way.

    @ moody: Any kind of literature will do for most of us. I think Russian lit only works if your currently a college student.

  8. I would totally accept a date from a guy who had good taste in books. You just might have something there.

    Congrats on the award. Reminds me of an essay we had to write in AP Lang.

  9. Congratulations on your award. In the least, carrying around powerful literature is a conversation starter. At the most, if you are ever stuck in the wilderness and need tinder for a fire...you are always prepared. You just don't have that dual purpose with e-readers now do you?

  10. Actually I can't lay claim to having the million-dollar idea, that honour goes to Jeremy of iZombie, but I'm glad you were pleased.

    Dave Wrote This

  11. @ McKenzie: I knew I was going to marry my wife the minute I saw her bookshelves.

    What essay did you have to write for AP Lang involving Zombies?

    @ Michael: I do like having an actual book in my hand instead of an ereader, and starting fires is only one of the many reasons why.

    @ Dave: Actually, the million-dollar idea is mine, stemming from the zombie rabbit c/o Jeremy and Raskolinkov c/o Dostoevsky. So I deserve all the credit.