"Temporality is part of the truth" -- Chuck Klosterman

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Zombies at the Door

Maybe we both originated
from and will be
terminated by primates.
We all know that soon humanity will be decimated by our own hubris. We will either accidentally enhance the intelligence of the common ape or purposely build a contagion so resilient that it will mutate into something that reanimates the dead. If it's the former, there's no coming back because Charlton Heston and Phil Hartman are dead and everyone already forgot that Marky Mark ever made a trip into that wacky wormhole. If it's the latter, then our future rests with those of us clever enough to study our Zombie Apocalypse manuals.

(There is a slim chance that some grieving mother will find the monkey's paw that a bunch of mystics turned into a human key that just might be your sister in order to protect the secret of everlasting life because they knew that a lasting everlasting life meant only an ever worsening craving for brains. I think I'm mixing my myths here, but probably it will be a man-made virus that kills us all and brings us back as the walking dead.)

Essential reading. Click here and buy it now. Or we're all dead.

Robert Kirkman writes the comic
The Walking Dead, perhaps the most
lighthearted series of any in the zombie
genre, as you can attest from this
happy-go-lucky shot of him in a
scene from the adapted TV series.
I'd rather be prepared.

And your opportunity is now. Charles M. Pulsipher, nee just Charlie, has provided you with all you need to know when the inevitable occurs. It won't be all fun and games like Robert Kirkman seems to think it will be. You need to know your escape routes, your provision stores, and whether your seat cushion will float in water like gravy or very small rocks. This informative tome will explain the fundamentals of surviving the only logical end to our civilization.

For the modest sum of 99 cents, it is currently available in Kindle version, and it's coming soon to the Nook. Plus, Charlie has promised that it will presently be available for hard copy order (which makes sense because in an all out war, the zombies will likely take out the Amazon whispernet and your Kindle library could be temporarily unavailable for eternity and you'll need the manual when you reach your zombie retreat).

Statistics show that in the event of a plane crash, the passengers that pay attention to the flight attendants' presentation of the safety procedures and actually read the safety card in the seat pocket are the people more likely to survive. Don't be the guy who panics because he doesn't know the proper procedures and kills everyone on the plane. Do yourself and those you love a favor and purchase this handy guide to when you have Zombies at the Door.

And just so you know, I'm not jealous of Charlie at all.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you Brent for your heartfelt and not jealous in any way endorsement of my little guide. And bonus points for the nod to Buffy.

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  2. Sounds like a good piece of info to have on my Kindle. Thanks.

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  3. Absolutely fantastic blog!!! Glad I found it! Love it!!!

    Lola x
    http://lola-x.blogspot.com

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  4. Looks like I have another book I need to add to my list! And it also sounds like Charlie and my friend FlyinMonkey over at http://theywontgetus.blogspot.com/
    need to get together!

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  5. @ Charlie: And I didn't even mention you were my brother-in-law...oops.

    And thanks for catching the Buffy reference. I threw in a smorgasbord of allusions on this one.

    @ shelly: Never archive it.

    @ Lola: Thanks. This post just might save your life.

    @ rev: I do love Flying Monkey's stories. He should make sure he has the safety manual.

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  6. Oh Man! I am totally getting this. What a great idea.

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  7. They have MANUALS for this stuff?!? OH MAN am I behind on my apocalypto textbook reading.

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  8. What a great post! I'll have to check this one out because I definitely do not want to be the one who kills everyone else on the place.

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  9. Congratulations to Charlie! I'm adding this to my book read list.

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  10. Thank you all! You are the best online, virtual friends a weird guy could have.

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  11. What great mixing of myths... pure fun. I wish I could forget that Marky Mark made that awful trip into the wormhole. Guess the sequel they'd figured on wasn't necessary. Hmmm... I suppose .99 cents is money well spent if it keeps me from being the guy (well gal) who panics because she doesn't know the proper procedures and kills everyone on the plane.

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  12. @ Bryan: I thought of it first. Charlie just stole the idea.

    @ Nicki: I also have a book in my classroom about the destruction set to happen in 2012. The kids eat it up.

    @ MJ: It pays to be informed.

    @ Michael: Ditto.

    @ Charlie: Ditto.

    @ Doralynn: I read "The Monkey's Paw" in, like, seventh grade and never got it out of my head. But as I grew I saw so many different versions of that story. Mixing the myths is fun.

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  13. Hahaha! I had to laugh at this because my son (16) has read "The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks cover to cover several times. He's very prepared for any scenario: He has a gas mask he bought from ebay, weapons of all shapes and sizes, martial arts training, and just for good measure, he carved his own vampire stake out of piece of wood.

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  14. Julie, I've purposely left out mentioning Max Brooks, just in case anyone thought Charlie might just be covering the same ground. Cause he hasn't. I guess. I haven't read the "Survival Guide," but Brooks's "World War Z" is pretty great.

    And I don't think the wooden stake will do your son much good during the zombie apocalypse.

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  15. Somehow my blog posts on my feed are messed up...this one came up before Charlie's post about it, and I hardly think you'd post about it first.

    Also, there are several posts by you spanning weeks that are all lumped together under "one week ago" but they're way before that...

    So I dunno what to make of this. I have, however, purchased the guide.

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  16. Chanel: Actually, I did blog about it first. Charlie Facebooked about it and I was so excited (read: envious) that I had to start the campaign right away.

    I don't know what to tell you about the "one week ago" thing. Blogger is stupid. I also don't like the new interface.

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