Worst Movies Ever...sort of

I'm participating in the Worst Movies Ever blogfest sponsored by sci-fi author Alex Cavanaugh. And I've decided to implicate myself, as I happen to own every movie on this list. That is to say, I've watched each of them multiple times and take pleasure from each of them in at least some minor way. But essentially, they are flawed. And I think it's more interesting to talk about why these relatively entertaining movies are bad than trying to re-explain why Howard the Duck or Battlefield Earth flopped.

Thus, in no apparent order except alphabetical because that's how they appear on my DVD shelf:

Avatar

It sure is a fun movie to watch in 3D (which I'm never going to experience again) and it certainly changed the movie industry, but few people seem to want to discuss that it's recycled, predictable plot is Fern Gully with giant fairies instead of miniature ones? I half expect Christain Slater to make a cameo. James Cameron's unforgivable story telling cheat is summed up in one word: unobtainium.

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

This was the first movie I saw after being out of the country for two years on a church mission and not seeing any movies at all during that time. The Excellent Adventure was such a strange, hilarious delight that I was giddy with anticipation at seeing the sequel. Unfortunately, Bogus Journey is an insipid, dull, and worst of all, unfunny movie. And I don't even have words to convey my revulsion for the ugly, ill-advised idea that is Station, the technologically savvy alien from heaven.

Borat

Maybe it's because I only saw this movie a couple of years after it's original release, but I don't think it is as funny as it was made out to be. I think Sacha Baron Cohen is pretty clever for thinking up the character and conceit in the first place, and I like the beginning about Borat's home country where the satire is aimed at concepts and culture rather than real, individual persons. But maybe it isn't enough to carry a feature film. Or maybe I didn't laugh much because I had already seen the best parts since it was so ubiquitous for a while there. But then, I don't think real-life exercises in humiliation are entertaining, even if the humiliated person might really deserve it, which is why I don't watch reality TV shows. And what in the world is funny about the naked part? What don't I get?

Dune

Take one of the best science fiction novels of all time and make a movie out of it. How can you miss? (See: Battlefield Earth, above.) I think the real problem isn't about what was cut from the novel. Movies cut up novels every day, and that doesn't necessarily make the movie worse. The problem is the voice-over. All that heavy, whispering, over-dramatic thinking doesn't make for satisfying drama. Frank Herbert does it in the novel (a style I don't much like, anyway), but David Lynch should have (and, worse, really could have) found a better way to dramatize it. (If it's true that Lynch was offered the chance to direct Return of the Jedi, imagine what would have happened to the Ewoks if he'd done that instead of Dune.)

The Fifth Element

You name what's worse: Milla Jovovich "acting," the name Leeloo, Gary Oldman's Texan accent, Gary Oldman's hairpiece, Gary Oldman's buck teeth, ancient eeevil in a hunk of rock, or Chris Tucker.

The Running Man

With a Stephen King concept ahead of it's time (take that, Hunger Games!), tasty satire of the excesses of game show TV (take that, Reality TV!), and Richard Dawson's demented, power hungry host (take that, Family Feud!), this could have been major. Enter Schwarzenegger and every bad 80's action movie cliche you can think of, including one-liner groaners ("Here's Subzero. Now, plain zero.") and even a hero-kisses-the-girl-for-no-reason moment at the end.

Star Trek: Nemesis

My main problem with this movie is that it should have been a different movie. With all the possibilities available for a great Next Generation story, they choose a story that maaaaybe should have been an episode in season six. And this is what followed Insurrection, the most low-key Star Trek movie, where what's at stake? About 13 people on a planet no one cares about. Anyway, the Doctor Who writers can come up with truly menacing and universal disasters on a weekly basis. Why couldn't the last TNG movie be about something bigger? They did the Borg. Where's the movie about Q? Data deserves a better curtain call.

Van Helsing

I don't even remember much about this movie. Which should tell you something. Something about badly drawn vampires and a silly Frankenstein monster on the loose and laughable, messy special effects. I think I own it because it's got Kate Beckinsale in a corset, and I guess that's enough for me.

The X Files: I Want to Believe

Whywhywhy was this movie about a psychic, child molesting priest instead of alien invasion conspiracy theory? As a huge fan of the series, this story held absolutely no interest for me. Even the revelation that Mulder and Scully ended up together after all. Who cares, if they're not going out to discover the truth about the aliens, which is still out there?


Is it a coincidence that nearly all of these movies have a science fiction bent? I suppose I could list a number of romantic comedies that are thoughtless copies of one another. But that's been done. At least these movies attempt to tell a different story. Except for Avatar.

Here's a long list of other blogs to visit and read about bad movies, if you're so inclined.